Financial Abuse
Economic abuse involves the control of a partners money. One GP describes her own experience
Financial abuse is rooted in the desire of one partner to have power and control over the other. A partner who chooses to abuse may control their partner’s finances or their ability to provide for themselves’ . Ninety five percent of women who experience domestic abuse also report experiencing financial (or economic) abuse.
The Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, MN. created the Power and Control Wheel which is widely used to help recognise domestic violence. The wheel diagram illustrates tactics abusive partners use to keep survivors in a relationship - and tactics that they use to maintain their control over their partner. It was this wheel that my therapist used to shed light on how many ways my ex partner had abused me.
It took me a long time to recognise that I was in an abusive relationship. My stereotypical image for what I thought victims of domestic violence looked like was in no way connected to how I saw myself. And in the same way, my image of a victim of financial abuse was not connected to how I saw myself. But I was abused. And this abuse was not recognised by myself, my friends or the court system who should have tried to protect me.
Insidious start
My abuser’s tactics were those of degradation and a total disregard of anyone elses interests other than his own. He entered the marriage with no finances and limited job options. I was in my house officer years, with my own property and good job prospects. As soon as we were married he thought of all of our finances as his own. Within a year of being married, he wanted to sell my premarital home and use all my savings to move city and start a business. He wanted to relocate to another country with no thought about how I could continue with my general practice training, and he thought it was entirely unreasonable that he should have to go to work to contribute to our joint income.
Any of these things could have been justified and reasonable, had there been an agreement between us, but his response to me not following his desires was to degrade me and complain of feeling trapped. It was impossible to have any sensible discussions with him about finances so I continued to ensure that there was enough money coming into our account to cover our spending.
Increasing the costs
Within a couple of years we had moved home to a larger property with a larger mortgage. The stamp duty wiped the remains of any savings. Although my partner had been the instigator for the move, once the responsibility of paying the mortgage became a reality he claimed he didn’t care about living where we lived and dissolved himself from any responsiblity to meet the bills. I naively believed him and continued to ensure that bills were met - it was easier to find an extra shift to pay for a broken washing machine than to have a sensible financial discussion with him.
Throughout this time he kept Amazon in business with his daily delivery of things he wanted. He covered himself with private health insurance and was able to fund multiple ‘health’ remedies for himself. When challenged about this, he would shame me in front of our friends, justifying that his health was ‘priceless’ and how could I limit what he could spend on his ‘health’. The health insurance did not cover myself or our kids.
He reduced his working hours so he could train to progress his photography and counselling career. Our babies were born and I went back to work much sooner than I wanted to cover the bills. At no point did he increase his work to provide for his growing family. Our third boy was born and we calculated how much money he would need to bring home to allow me to stay at home for longer with our small children. He said he would increase his earnings to facilitate this but he didnt. In the end - as always- it was easier for me to work to bring in the finances than negotiate a reasonable arrangement with him.
Is it so bad?
In many ways I had the family I had always dreamed of. I had a partner that was a bit crap - but didnt everybody? I was able to work and provide and my partner seemed to be able to live the life that he wanted. I might have chosen to live life differently but my job was interesting and well paid and we were able to do the things we wanted. It was important to me that my kids grew up with good local schools in an area where I felt safe. It was important to me that if our kids wanted to go to university, then we would have some funds to support them, and that my pension ensured that in later years I would be financially secure. My ex claimed none of those things were important - he was developing a career where he intended to work long into retirement, he didnt think that providing financial support for his children was a necessary or positive thing, he thought that living in a rougher area with more challenging schools, would ‘build resilience’. It seemed that if I wanted things different to what he wanted then I would need to be responsible for the finances.
Tip of the iceberg
He never recognised my efforts - he still had expectations that I would clean. He would tell me that ‘I domesticated him’ by asking him to contribute to the housework. He complained bitterly about us having a cleaner. He complained when I was tired at the end of my shifts or if I ever had to stay at work late. He considered the evenings that I was at work as evenings that I was out - and so did not account for those when he negotiated free time for himself. At no point was he ever grateful for the money that I brought in and I tried not to mention the inequality as he found this ‘emasculating’. He did not limit what he spent on himself and if I bought something for myself - he would then buy something bigger. This had the effect of controlling my spending. Throughout this time he described me as the ‘soap in his bubblebath’ - that I restricted the way he could live and took his joy away.
Financial abuse was only part of the story. I now see that I was emotionally abused, silenced and made to feel inadequate. So I just kept providing for what I thought was my ‘perfect family’ whilst he took more and more.
If I had been educated in abuse then maybe I would have recognised what was happening and maybe I could have predicted the ending. I wonder if people around me had started to be concerned - I remember my partner being described as ‘an accessory that I couldnt afford to keep’ and comments were made that he ‘lived the life of Riley’. However, my boys were thriving and I was fulfilled, providing for them and creating a home environment where I thought everyone could flourish.
Pandemic pressures
Covid came. I worked intensely to clear the decks for an emerging health crisis, I helped the kids with their homeschooling. My partner didnt believe that home schooling was necessary. He stood on the doorstep and cheered every Thursday for all the key workers who were working in the pandemic but didnt support me. The kids went to school on the days that I was at work, but this just meant that he didnt have to care for them and had protected time for himself.
One day, totally out of the blue, he left - claiming that he couldnt be his authentic self in a relationship which required commitment and compromise. I was left realling, emotionally uprooted and trying to make sense of the situation.
The Family Courts
Divorce and Financial proceedings followed rapidly. He refused to have any reasonable discussion about finances and pushed our case through the courts. He took me through the child courts - making false allegations and ensuring that the process was as drama-filled as possible. I was heartbroken, not sleeping, and definitely not in a fair state to represent myself effectively. He pushed me for more than half of the house and half of my pension. He had no pension. An unequal settlement was reached, where he received more than half of everything. He seemed fully entertained by the court process and the law says that he is entitled to half of the marital income so he had nothing to lose. His entirely different views on the values of finances or his contributions to family life were not taken into account. The law wants to ensure that each parent can move forward and the outcome of the case was that each of us had a home where we could care for the boys. Throughout the case he racked up as many court costs for me as he could. At no point did he consider the boys and their stability.
However the settlement passed and I was able to move forward. I still found that, with a few more shifts and with careful money management I was able to continue to provide a safe home for the boys.
Post-separation abuse
I thought that I was now free of the control that I had lived under in the marriage. However, I was totally unaware about how the child maintenance system can be used to control, manipulate and abuse. A quick glance at the google reviews of the service highlight that it is a service that is not fit for purpose. In many cases it facilitates ongoing abuse and control and this was certainly the case for me. He submitted a false claim to the service that one of the boys was living with him for more than half the time. He claimed that he was the main carer and expected me to pay. An inadequate system meant that his claim was not closed down when it should have been, and I received multiple demands to pay and weekly threats from the child maintenance system advising me that if the money wasn’t paid then I would face further court action. The case was finally closed and I owed nothing. However there was no recognition of the stress caused.
Moving forward
Time has passed and the boys have grown. Now they have more choice they spend most of their time at mine. My ex contributes nothing and I wont go through the child maintenance system again due to the distress that it has caused. I hope one day that my boys will want to go to uni - and I hope that I will be in a position to support them - but i know that they will not receive a penny from my Ex.
I turned 50 last week. It’s five years ago now that he left. I had a birthday party but for me it was really a celebration of having got up again. In many ways I feel I should be dead in a ditch. I have been treated abhorently and my ex has abused me as much as he has had the ability to do so. I am not dead, neither am I in a shelter for domestic abuse victims and neither do I fit the image that I have of domestic abuse survivors. But it was abuse. I wonder how many other professional women have been financially abused like I have but because we don’t fit the mould it passes unrecognised?
 | A guest post by
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I resonated with some of your experiences. I self-published my story under a pen name in 2022. The title of my first book is "Post Separation Abuse." Written under the pen name Loren Keeling. Highlighting gaps in the laws and raising awareness of the hidden forms of abuse.